


Maybe I Don't Want Heaven?

by Georgie04



Category: Ackley Bridge (TV)
Genre: AU, Angst, Cory is a new student, Cory is happy in this, Cory is out, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, I don't know, M/M, Naveed has feelings, Naveed is in the closet, Religion, he lives with his mum and step-dad, jordan is still at art school, lots of them - Freeform, they're so soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 08:51:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16889424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Georgie04/pseuds/Georgie04
Summary: Naveed knows he shouldn't like the new boy in school, knows he shouldn't like any boy really. But he still does. And he has to figure out what he's willing to sacrifice in order to be the good Muslim his parents expect him to be.





	Maybe I Don't Want Heaven?

**Author's Note:**

> All my time is wasted, feeling like my heart's mistaken, so if I'm losing a piece of me, maybe I don't want heaven? - HEAVEN, Troye Sivan.

_The truth runs wild, like a tear down a cheek_

Naveed can't stop staring. And he knows, he _knows_ he should, but he just can't. The new boy, Cory, according to Riz, is just so, _so_ \- he doesn't even have the words to describe him. He's all sunshine and warmth, a bright smile decorating his face every time Naveed happens to glance in his direction. And god, he's so _out there_. He made it clear from the second he walked through the school gates, with all his flirting and teasing winks, that he's into girls _and_ boys, and that alone is enough to send Naveed into cardiac arrest when Cory's eyes catch his across the bio classroom and he smiles. 

He fumbles and drops his pen, turning his head away instantly so he doesn't have to look at Cory any longer. Instead he gets a questioning look from Nasreen, who raises her eyebrows then just shakes her head and chuckles at him. Nas is the only one who knows about him, about his _tendencies_ , and she's the only one who ever can. Because he can't, absolutely can _not_ be gay, not when his parents are upstanding pillars of the Muslim community, and they expect Naveed to be the exact same. He refuses to disappoint them, not when they've done everything they can to make his life as perfect as it could possibly be. So Naveed figured hiding one tiny part of himself wasn't going to be that hard. And so far, it hadn't been. But that was before one Cory Wilson started at Ackley Bridge, with his shining eyes and warm persona, and made Naveed's heart race.

"Nav," Nasreen whispers into his ear.

"What?"

"You're being obvious," she teases.

He feels his cheeks start to heat up, "What do you mean?" he mumbles in response.

"You're staring at the new kid."

"'M not," he mutters, his cheeks burning now.

"Nothing’s stopping you from going for it," she tells him, a smirk on her face.

"I _can't_ Nas, and I don't want to anyway."

And that, well, it was _half_ true. He really couldn't, and he definitely didn't want to disappoint his parents and their community, so it's not like he had a choice. And he was happy with the path he had chosen.

_Trying to save face, and daddy heartbreak, I'm lying through my teeth_

* * * 

Cory was a good person. Like a really, really good person, and that just made things even harder for Naveed.

Cory and Riz had immediately become friends through their joint love of rugby, and so, by extension, he was also Naveed's friend now as well. Naveed was sat having lunch with them for the second week in a row and Cory and Riz were chatting about some match they'd watched on TV the night before, so Naveed had zoned out, his mind wandering through the last couple of weeks he'd spent getting to know Cory Wilson. It turned out that Cory was possibly the best person Naveed had ever met; he was an amazing brother, the perfect son, a pretty awesome friend from the look of things, and he was very openly bisexual, which was something entirely new to Naveed, and probably the whole of Ackley. He was a breath of fresh air to Naveed, who'd only ever known how to hide himself away. 

And Naveed wasn’t blind, Cory was also the most attractive person he’d ever seen in his life, which made his predicament infinitely harder. A kind, intelligent, attractive guy was hard to come by, and even harder to ignore, especially when he loved to flirt and tease. Naveed could never tell if Cory flirted with him because he was interested in him, or if he flirted with him because that’s just what he did. It wasn’t lost on him that Cory flirted with everybody, literally _everybody_ , but it somehow seemed different when he flirted with Naveed, more, like maybe he actually meant it.

But then again, it was likely Naveed was reading way too much into things. And honestly? He hoped he was, because a little unrequited crush on his mate was one thing, but if Cory felt the same, how the hell was he supposed to deal with that? It was easy to fake straight when there was no one interested in him, but it would be an entirely different situation if the opportunity was right there in front of him, his for the taking. He wasn’t sure how he’d restrain himself if that were the case.

Plus, if Cory was _flirting_ flirting, then did that mean he knew about Naveed?

_Trying to replace the love that I fake with what we both need_

***

No. Cory hadn’t known about Naveed, and the flirting hadn’t been anything, really. Naveed realised that a few weeks after Cory arrived at Ackley and the flirting had ceased. It hadn’t stopped with everyone, in fact he seemed to be flirting even _more_ with them, but he had stopped with Naveed, which was good. Or bad. No. Definitely, _definitely_ good. 

And it had stayed that way for months. They got to know each other better, all three of them, and they’d become a solid trio – wherever one was, it was practically guaranteed the other two wouldn’t be far behind. It was good like that, they were friends, and Naveed hardly even thought about Cory as anything more now. Only occasionally, like when his eyes crinkled at the corners when he laughed, or when he ran a hand through his hair, or when his eyes met Naveed’s, or when he smiled, or when he breathed.

Ok. So it was still a bit of a problem. But he was handling it. He was. 

“So,” Cory mumbled around a mouthful of food.

Naveed grimaced and Cory chuckled at him, “You’re so posh,” he laughed.

“I’m not _posh_ ,” Naveed laughed incredulously.

“Sure you aren’t mate,” Riz joined in.

Naveed just rolled his eyes, “Weren’t you saying something, Cory?” he asked, trying to change the subject.

Cory copied Naveed’s eye roll, but continued, “My mum and step-dad are going away for the weekend, so do you two fancy spending it at mine?”

Naveed felt his breath catch in his throat. He’d been to Cory’s house briefly before, but he’d only stood in the hallway to wait for him to walk to school with. The thought of seeing his bedroom, of spending the night with him, was almost too much. Of course Riz would be there too, which made things easier for Naveed; Riz acted as a barrier, made Naveed maintain his logic so he didn’t launch himself at Cory every time they made eye contact. But still, it was a lot, so he turned to Riz hoping he would answer first – Naveed still needed to find his words.

“I can stay on Friday, can’t stay Saturday night though, is that alright?” Riz replied.

Oh no.

“Yeah yeah, that’s fine mate, you’re staying both nights though right, Nav?” Cory asked, smiling so brightly at Naveed that he struggled to formulate any words.

He nodded, “Yeah, yeah sure.” 

That was _not_ what Naveed was supposed to say, in fact, it was the exact opposite of what his brain had been screaming. And yet here he was, agreeing because it was Cory who asked him, and he’d found that he had a hard time saying no to anything Cory wanted.

“Great!” Cory grinned, “We need to see Mr Bell, we’ll catch you later?”

Naveed nodded in agreement and waved as his best friends walked away.

His heart sank. He was trying _so hard_ not to fall for Cory, to be the person his parents expected him to be. To be respectable, so when the time came for him to get married, he’d have a clean reputation and plenty of options. Because that was the plan. He’d finish sixth form, go to uni, get married to some Muslim girl his parents deemed appropriate, and then start a family. That was his future, and he was okay with that, he’d accepted it a long time ago. It was what he wanted. 

Only now, every time Cory smiled at him, he felt that plan fracture a little more.

_This voice inside has been eating at me_

***

It was Friday morning and, for the life of him, Naveed could not get out of bed. He knew he needed to, that he’d be late for school if he delayed much longer, but the heavy feeling in his chest was refusing to let him move. He felt sick, had done ever since last night when he’d gone to Mosque with his parents. They’d bumped into some old friends they hadn’t seen in a while and told them all about how well he was doing in school and how proud they were of him, and as he stood there and listened to it all, he felt the shame slowly begin to rise, to seep through his skin and into his very bones, until they ached with the weight of it.

He’d never really felt shame about his feelings for boys. He’d always known he couldn’t act upon them, but still, they’d never made him feel like he was doing anything wrong. 

Until now. 

Because now, the thought of spending the day in the same classes as Cory, then going to his house afterwards and spending the weekend with him, it made his skin crawl. He knew how he’d feel seeing him, how his heart would feel so full every time Cory laughed at one of his jokes, how he’d find himself wanting something, _anything_ with the boy he’d only known a few months. And he also knew how his parents would react, how his community would shun them all, and he felt nothing but disgust, because he couldn’t do that to them, couldn’t hurt them like that. So he knew what he needed to do, even if it hurt him, even if it hurt Cory.

_Trying to sedate my mind in its cage, and numb what I see_

***

“Naveed, is that really a good idea?” Nas asked, leaning her head on his shoulder as they talked.

He’d found her at first break talking to Missy, and, after apologising profusely, he’d dragged her outside to their bench so they could talk. He’d told her about how he was feeling and how he was going to stay away from Cory and Riz from now on, which also meant he’d have to cancel their plans for the weekend. She’d listened intently as he spoke, holding his hand and squeezing it tightly whenever his voice started to break and tears welled in his eyes. But once he was done talking, she made it clear it was his turn to listen now.

“You know being gay is okay, Naveed.”

“I know, I know that Nas, I don’t care if _other_ people are gay, I just can’t be. I can’t do that to them, it would destroy them. They’d probably disown me, and I couldn’t live with that.”

“Babe, I know this is hard, but if they truly, truly love you then they’re gonna accept you no matter what, aren’t they? My mum didn’t get it at first, but now she’s fine with it,” she squeezed his hand comfortingly, “listen, all I’m saying is, the people who love you will accept you.”

Naveed groaned and rubbed his hands over his eyes. He knew that she was right, because _of course_ she was, Nasreen always is. But that didn’t change anything for him. Didn’t alleviate the shame or the guilt, didn’t change the fact that his parents would hate him, and that he’d probably hate himself too.

“I can’t, Nasreen.”

“Okay, okay if you’re sure. But don’t lose your friends, Naveed. Riz and Cory love you to pieces, don’t run out on their friendship because you’re scared of how you feel.”

And she was right, again. 

So he didn’t stay away from Riz and Cory, and he didn’t cancel their plans either. They spent lunch together like they usually did, they sat together in the classes they shared and texted in the ones they didn’t, they teased and joked and laughed as if nothing was wrong. Because it wasn’t, for them anyway. In fact, Naveed acted the exact same way he always did with Cory, like they were best friends, which they were. And that was good. It was. Or, it was good _enough_ , at least.

In fact, as the day wore on, the shame in Naveed’s chest wore thin and the burden got lighter. Every joke he told that made Cory laugh, every knowing glance they shared in the classroom, they eroded away the mountain of guilt that was building inside of him, until the only thing he could focus on was the way Cory threw his head back when he laughed, and how he placed his hand on the small of Naveed’s back as they made their way through the crowded corridors. 

He was foolish to ever think he would have just been able to walk away from it all.

That thought was further confirmed when, later that evening, Naveed arrived at Cory’s house. It was the only house on the entire street that had Christmas decorations outside, like a beacon for Naveed to follow, though he figured he’d be able to find Cory even if it was pitch black and he was blind. He knocked on the door of the Wilson household and, after a few short seconds, it was opened by a smiling Cory. The knot in Naveed’s stomach tightened ever so slightly, some of that shame trying to crawl it’s way out of his throat, but he swallowed it down and returned Cory’s smile.

“Hi,” Naveed said awkwardly.

Cory laughed, “Hi, are you okay?”

“Yeah but I’m freezing, are you gonna let me?”

Cory laughed again and stepped back, holding the door open to Naveed could step inside. His muscles immediately relaxed once the door was closed behind him and the cold was shut out – there was only ever warmth around Cory anyway. 

“So,” Cory started, an apologetic look on his face, “I have some bad news.”

“What? What’s wrong?” Naveed asked hurriedly, looking Cory up and down, and then glancing around the hallway.

“No, I’m fine, don’t worry, but Riz has had a bit of a family emergency,” Cory admitted, looking almost sheepish.

“Shit, is everyone alright?”

“Yeah everyone’s okay, but Riz can’t make it, so it’s just me and you. Is that okay?”

Naveed wanted to say no, to leave immediately, because two nights alone with Cory? That was a perfectly seasoned recipe for disaster. But with Cory looking at him like _that_ , all hopeful and excited like some kind of puppy, there was no way he could refuse.

“Yeah of course it is mate,” Naveed said, and the smile that stretched across Cory’s face damn near killed him.

_Trying to keep faith and picture his face staring up at me_

***

“So,” Cory started, shifting slightly so he can look at Naveed.

“So?” Naveed asked.

They’d been in Cory’s bedroom all evening, alternating between eating Chinese food and playing video games that Naveed was abysmal at. He was sitting at the top of Cory’s bed, resting against his pillows, while Cory was sat at the bottom with his feet swinging over the end so he was closer to the TV (“It gives me an advantage!” He’d been adamant. “You don’t _need_ an advantage, I’m crap,” Naveed had retorted). 

Cory shifted again so he was sat facing Naveed, with his legs crossed under him. Naveed suddenly felt nervous. His heart had started to beat faster and he could feel his palms beginning to sweat. He put the xbox controller down and subtly wiped his hands on his joggers.

“Can I ask you something?” Cory asked.

Naveed could feel the heat crawling up his neck, or was that just the terror?

“You just did,” he replied rather weakly, but Cory laughed anyway. “Yeah, you can. What’s up?”

“Are you and Nasreen a thing? Because like, I know you haven’t mentioned anything but, you’re always with her if you’re not with me- _us_ , so I figured you were? I asked Riz but he didn’t really know either.”

Naveed tried not to laugh. Really, he did, but the idea of him and Nas being a couple was beyond hilarious. Sure, no one else knew why the idea was so preposterous, but to him, it was the funniest thing he’d heard all week. Even if _he_ wasn’t gay, Nasreen was, so there was literally no chance of that happening. Ever. But when he laughed Cory almost looked offended, so he bit his tongue and stopped immediately. 

“I don’t see why it’s so funny?” Cory asked, a frown on his face.

“You wouldn’t,” Naveed muttered inaudibly.

“What?”

“Nothing, um, no, we’re not _a thing_. Never have been, definitely never will be,” Naveed told him.

Cory nodded, but still looked like there was more he wanted to say. And Naveed wanted to hear it, he really did, but he was also scared of what might come out of Cory’s mouth next. He wasn’t prepared to be asked questions about his relationship status, because Cory was pretty much impossible to lie to, but Naveed also couldn’t tell him the truth. Logically he knew Cory wouldn’t judge him, and he knew that he would more than likely keep it a secret because he also knew what it was like to be in the closet, but still. He just couldn’t. It was already dangerous having Nas know about him, he couldn’t risk anyone else finding out. Especially not Cory, who made the whole _being gay_ thing ten times harder for Naveed.

“I think I know why,” Cory said.

“What do you mean?” 

Naveed really started to panic then. Because if Cory could figure it out, that meant other people would be able to as well, and that would make hiding it, faking it, extremely difficult. He started to shift nervously when Cory didn’t say anything. Instead, Cory had shuffled closer to Naveed, so close that their knees were almost touching, and any movement would press them together.

“What are you doing?” Naveed tried to laugh but he was fairly certain it sounded more like a terrified squawk.

“Testing something.”

“Testing wh-“

But before Naveed could even get his question out, Cory’s lips were on his and every single thought went out the window, except for _Cory Cory Cory_. He’d never a kissed a boy before, but kissing Cory was so much more than he expected, and all they were doing was touching lips, they weren’t even moving. And god did Naveed want to, but then Cory let out a content sigh and _shit shit shit_ he couldn’t do this.

He pulled back with so much force that he almost hit his head on the wall. His skin started to burn and his legs began to shake as he jumped off the bed and moved as far away from Cory as he could. He only stopped when he felt his back hit the wall.

“Naveed,” Cory whispered.

Naveed looked up, looked at Cory’s face, and his heart began to crumble. No. He didn’t get to do that, he didn’t get to kiss Naveed without his permission, without checking that he wanted it first. It wasn’t okay, and he wasn’t about to let one tiny mishap ruin the years of work he’d put into hiding away.

“What the hell was that?” Naveed demanded.

He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, not wanting to remove the feel of Cory’s lips against his, but knowing he needed to make it convincing. He didn’t look at Cory, because he knew if he did then all his resolve would fall away, so instead he stared at the floor, waiting for Cory to answer him.

“I, I’m sorry, I’m _so_ sorry, I just, I thought,” Cory stumbled over his words as he tried to explain himself, then tripped over his feet as he tried to step towards Naveed.

He fought the urge to reach out and steady him, clenched his fists by his side instead. The panic in Cory’s voice made Naveed glance up, but Cory’s eyes weren’t on him, they were wide and focused intently on the fists he was pressing into the sides of his thighs. And _shit_ Naveed didn’t want to scare the guy, he knew how his dad had reacted when he found out Cory liked to kiss boys, but he also knew that without the feeling of his nails digging into his skin then he’d crack and reach for Cory. 

“You thought what?” Naveed spat, “I’m not like you, Cory. I _can’t_ be like you.”

“You’re _not_ like me, or you _can’t_ be? There’s a difference,” Cory replied softly.

Naveed clenched his jaw. Trust Cory to pick up on that, to ask him which it was. Because he was right of course, there was a difference. Naveed couldn’t answer him, because he couldn’t tell him the truth, but he didn’t want to lie either. He tried to take deep breaths, tried to focus on the way his nails were cutting into his palms, but nothing could slow his heart rate or calm his anxiety. He braved a glanced at Cory, but he didn’t look scared anymore, he just looked sad, maybe? Or hopeful? Naveed couldn’t tell, and he couldn’t look at him any longer.

He opened Cory’s bedroom door and ran down the stairs. He shoved his feet into his shoes and pulled his coat on, then left the house, slamming the door behind him.

_Without losing a piece of me, how do I get to heaven?_

It was freezing. Like chills you to the bone, teeth chattering, freezing, yet Naveed refused to move from his position. He sat on Cory’s garden wall, because, well, he didn’t think about what he was going to do after he stormed out, and it was just past midnight so his parents were definitely asleep. He couldn’t go home, but he wasn’t going to go crawling back inside with his tail between his legs either. He knew he’d overreacted, knew that he’d made it blatantly obvious that he _was_ gay, and that he’d also probably just ruined his friendship with Cory.

Terrified didn’t even begin to cover how Naveed was feeling, because, with the way he’d reacted, he honestly wouldn’t blame Cory if he went and told everyone. Cory wouldn’t, probably, but still, the possibility was there. And even with that weighing over him, the thought of losing his parents, the only thing he could focus on was the way Cory had looked when he’d rejected him, and the flash of fear in his eyes when he’d seen Naveed’s clenched fists. _God_ , all he wanted to do was go back inside, to explain somehow, but he was certain that Cory wouldn’t want to hear it.

So he remained sitting outside for a good fifteen, twenty minutes, before he heard the door behind him creak open and footsteps on the path. His whole body was telling him to turn around, to look at Cory, but he stayed hunched over, with his hands between his legs for warmth and his head bowed.

He felt Cory’s warmth as he sat down beside him, and he longed to lean into it, to press his shoulder against Cory’s but he couldn’t, he _couldn’t_. And he didn’t have to, because Cory did it for him, and his heart soared. He told himself, mentally told his parents and Allah, that the reason he didn’t pull away was because Cory was warm and he was practically frozen, but he couldn’t expect them to believe him when he didn’t even believe himself. He held his breath, waiting for Cory to yell, or lecture, or anything really, other than sit there in silence.

“Are you okay?” was the first thing out of Cory’s mouth.

Naveed couldn’t believe it, or maybe he could – it wasn’t that surprising that Cory was concerned for him, the boy had a habit of putting everyone else first, even before himself. Naveed couldn’t help but press his shoulder a little more into Cory’s.

“It’s freezing, please come back inside with me?” Cory asked, after Naveed didn’t answer his first question.

Nodding slightly Naveed stood up, and Cory followed, hesitantly placing his hand on Naveed’s back to usher him down the path and back inside where it was warm. He shuddered when he stepped inside, both from the cold and from the anxiety that was coursing through his veins. 

Instead of heading back upstairs, Cory guided him into the living room. He turned on all the Christmas lights which almost instantly made me Naveed feel better. He didn’t celebrate Christmas with his family, but he enjoyed the holiday nonetheless, and the lights made him feel warm and safe. Plus, the Christmas lights weren’t quite bright enough to light the room up, and Naveed was kind of glad he couldn’t see Cory’s expressions properly.

“Nav, are you okay?” Cory asked again once they were both seated, at opposite ends of the sofa.

“Yeah, ‘m good,” Naveed replied quietly.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“Do I have to?”

“Of course not,” Cory said gently, “but it might help.”

Naveed shrugged. Talking about it _would_ help, he knew that from talking about it with Nas. But that was different, this was _Cory_. How could he talk to Cory about this without caving? Cory had kissed him, which meant Cory probably had feelings for him as well, and Naveed was only human, he was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to resist Cory’s advances a second time.

“I don’t know how to talk about this. Not with you,” Naveed admitted.

“Why not?”

“You make everything harder for me.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to,” Cory apologised, and Naveed couldn’t help but sigh.

“You don’t have to apologise Cory, it’s not your fault.”

“I still feel bad,” Cory said.

Naveed groaned, dropping his head into his hands as he tried to think about what he could say, and how he could say it without ruining everything between him and Cory. He didn’t want to lose his best friend, but he wasn’t sure how they could ever go back to that after tonight.

“My parents are strict Muslims,” Naveed finally began to explain, “they need me to be respectable, and someone they can be proud of. They need me to be a good Muslim. And I can’t do that, not if, not if I’m,” he paused, struggling to say the word.

“Gay,” Cory completed.

Naveed felt his entire body tense and he took in a deep breath. There was no going back after this, Cory knew.

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay, Naveed.”

“ _I know_ ,” Naveed raised his voice, standing up to pace, “I know there isn’t, but I can’t be, okay? I just can’t.”

“Why?”

“Didn’t you hear what I just said? My parents, they’d disown me, my entire community would shun us. They’d never forgive me for that. I can’t do that to them,” Naveed tried to explain.

Cory stood up as well, walked over to Naveed and placed his hand on his shoulders to stop him from pacing. He stood, not saying a word until Naveed looked up and met his eyes.

“And what about you?”

Naveed frowned, “What do you mean?” he asked.

Cory smiled almost sadly, “What about you? You say you can’t do that to them, but what about what you’re doing to yourself? Hiding who you are, putting on this act, how much is that hurting you?”

Naveed shook his head and pulled away from Cory’s grasp, “It doesn’t matter about me.”

_Trying to set straight the lines that I trace to find some release_

“Nav,” Cory sighed, and Naveed could practically _hear_ the pain in his voice.

“Don’t. Don’t do this to me. It isn’t fair, Cory.”

He could barely breathe. He couldn’t keep listening to Cory talk sense, because he was scared he would actually listen. It was one thing hearing all of it from Nas, but hearing it from Cory, from the person he was pretty sure he was in love with, that was entirely different. He wasn’t sure he would have the strength to ignore Cory if he carried on speaking for much longer.

“No,” Cory said, standing in front of Naveed, “what isn’t fair is you hurting yourself like this. Trying to repress how you feel, _who you are_ , it’ll end up killing you, Naveed.”

“I can handle it,” Naveed tried to argue, but even his voice sounded tired.

Cory laughed sarcastically, “Yeah, because you’re handling this real well, aren’t you?”

Naveed shook his head but couldn’t find the words to answer.

“What’s the plan then, keep quiet, get married, have a family? Spend your life miserable, just for the sake of not pissing your parents off? You spend so much time worrying about how all of this would affect them, but do you think they’d give a shit about how _you_ would feel if all this came out?” Cory asked. “If the answer is no, then you’re worrying about the wrong people.”

“They’re my parents!”

“Yeah, you’re right, they are, so they should love you no matter what, right?” Cory retaliated, his voice getting louder.

Naveed crumbled. His legs suddenly couldn’t hold his weight and he fell onto the sofa, burying his head in his hands as he began to cry. He knew that Cory was just trying to help him, and he knew that what he was saying made sense, which was why he felt so utterly overwhelmed. Everything was just _too much_. How was he supposed to do this? To please Allah, and his parents, as well as keeping himself sane, happy? He’d had it all planned out, and he was determined to make it work, but then Cory walked into his life. And now the boy was giving him another option, showing him that there was another way through this, but was it worth it if it meant losing his family?

He hadn’t realised he was crying so much until he felt Cory’s arms wrap around him, and then all resolve was lost. He just wanted to fold himself into tiny pieces, curl into a ball so he could slip into the spaces between Cory’s ribs, where he would feel safe, where he could find a home where he’d be accepted exactly as he was. 

“Naveed, are you really willing to sacrifice yourself to make them happy?”

_Without changing a part of me, how do I get to heaven?_

Naveed took a deep breath, let the air fill his lungs up, and wondered how it would feel to have his heart that full. He looked up at Cory, who was still sitting next to him with an arm wound around his shoulders, and figured maybe it would feel a little something like _this_. Like love, and warmth, and acceptance. Like Cory.

“I don’t know how to do this without losing everyone that I love,” Naveed whispered, never taking his eyes off Cory.

“If they don’t accept you, they’re not worthy of your love, they don’t deserve it.”

Cory was right, logically he knew that, but that didn’t stop his lip wobbling and a few tears escaping the corners of his eyes. If he did this, if he went ahead with what his heart was pleading for him to do, he might never get to speak to his parents again. Mrs Paracha had offered him a place to stay as soon as she found out about him, so he knew that he’d manage in that respect. But never talking to his family again? Never being welcome at Mosque again? How was he supposed to handle that?

“I’m right here Naveed, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Naveed closed his eyes as Cory reached up to brush away his tears, to trace the curves of his nose and his cheekbones, to cup his jaw so gently Naveed felt more tears fall from his eyes. He was too scared to open his eyes again, so he didn’t he just leaned forward until his forehead was resting against Cory’s. They were so close their breath mixed together, and Naveed had never felt more at peace than he did in that moment.

This, it was too good, too _right_ for him to walk away from. Everything Nas had ever told him, all the things Cory had just said, they were true. He couldn’t sacrifice that part of himself to make his parents happy, not when it was the part of him that allowed him to feel like _this_ , to feel love, and happiness. This was something he just couldn’t run from anymore, he didn’t have the strength to keep fighting it.

“Cory,” he whispered, afraid that if he spoke any louder his bravery would leave him.

“Naveed,” Cory replied, and he could feel his breath on his lips.

“I’m in love with you.”

Cory almost whimpered as those words fell from Naveed’s lips, and he held Naveed’s face tighter, terrified that he’d realise what he was doing and run again.

“I’m in love with you too,” Cory managed to reply.

Naveed let out a breath, one he felt like he’d been holding his whole life. This was how he was supposed to feel, how he wanted to feel for the rest of his life. There was no way on earth this feeling could ever be wrong, and if there were people in his life who weren’t willing to accept that, then he was prepared to let them go.

“Can I kiss you?” Cory asked, so softly that Naveed wanted to cry.

“Yes please.”

When their lips came together, it felt like nothing Naveed could have ever even imagined. It was everything, every laugh they had shared, every glance, every stupid joke and every simple touch, just _everything_ , and Naveed knew he would never stop wanting everything with Cory, not for as long as he was breathing.

He finally moved his hands from his lap and into Cory’s hair, pulling him impossibly closer, unable to get enough of the way his lips tasted, or the way his hands felt on his jaw and the bare skin of his waist. Naveed felt himself melting underneath Cory’s touch, and with every second that passed by, he felt his torn heart begin to heal itself.

When they pulled apart, what could have been seconds or centuries later, Naveed laughed. He laughed so brightly and so fully that Cory had to join him too. He had never felt this before, such freedom and love and pure happiness. It was everything he had never let himself believe existed.

_Trying to embrace the picture I paint and colour me free_

***

Later, after a long, long discussion about everything, about how they were going to do this and what Naveed was going to do about his parents, they’d made their way up to Cory’s bedroom. Naveed had crawled into bed, smiling softly as Cory climbed in next to him and held out his arm so Naveed could cuddle into his side, his face resting on Cory’s shoulder. He wrapped his arm tightly around Cory’s waist, almost afraid to let go in case he would disappear.

They lay in silence. They had talked for hours and they were both exhausted, and they didn’t need to speak anyway. Naveed didn’t need to fill the silence with meaningless chatter, though he doubted anything he shared with Cory could ever be meaningless. But instead he traced patterns on Cory’s stomach and chest, letting his fingers trail over the bare skin, and almost feeling proud whenever Cory would shiver under his touch.

They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, Cory’s hand brushing through Naveed’s hair, and Naveed tracing patterns on Cory’s skin. They were both sleepy, in that stage where you’re not quite asleep but you’re not really awake either, and neither wanted the moment to end.

Naveed tilted his head to look up at Cory, who’s eyes were closed but he still had the hint of a smile on his lips. He just watched him for a while, not quite able to believe that Cory was really his now, that he really got to have this.

Eventually Cory opened his eyes and looked at Naveed, smiling lovingly at him.

“Why are you staring at me?” he mumbled sleepily.

“I don’t think I’ve ever felt this happy before,” Naveed confessed.

“I love you,” Cory whispered as he pressed his lips to the top of Naveed’s hair.

“I love you too.”

“Go to sleep, I’ll be here when you wake up.”

_So if I’m losing a piece of me, maybe I don’t want heaven._


End file.
